Why do some days seem like years?
Today felt like one of those days in recovery that was just overall a failure. After being told my pass was taken away my eating disorder took hold of my body and made me feel very unworthy of all that life has to offer. My best friend in residential also left today, she was kind of like my treatment mom and she comforted me and wiped away my tears when I came to her in this situation crying. She made me feel welcome here when I first came in and felt so alone. So now, I am feeling once again, very lonely. After being told my pass was taken away, I called my friend and I sobbed to her, but through this I realized the endless love that those who are around me have for me and that just because these things happen, it does not change the way they see me, or change the fact they are proud of me, which is something that is really difficult for me to accept. Because I have such a hard time not seeing these things as personal failures on my part and not seeing them as things people should be angry at me about. My way of coping turned into a form of self sabotage and self punishment. I skipped every meal from after breakfast up until PM snack, my desire to eat was completely ridden and all I wanted to do was lay in bed and think about how pointless everything felt. I skipped groups because I didn't want to interact. And later, when I finally did go to dinner, I angrily left early and felt incredibly spiteful. All leading up to an intense and difficult conversation with my mother. I end this day feeling like a failure and feeling INCREDIBLY broken. I wish I could leave, I wish I didn't have an eating disorder, I wish I had a mind that didn't distort my thinking into immediately starving myself, I just wish this could all be over. Tomorrow is Saturday and weekends are so unstructured and hard here. My meal plan goes up again on Sunday and I feel like I am about 2 seconds from truly breaking. Overall, today was a 1/10.