Vanilla ice ice, baby

I'm so angry with myself right now. I feel like I do so much self sabotaging and I can turn a day that has the capacity to be great into a day that is catastrophic. It all started out fine. I was able to accept the fact that my meal plan went up, was I full? Yes. Did I want to restrict? Yes. Did I want to leave breakfast and the rest of the meals? Yes. But I didn't. I had a wonderful visit with my mother where we talked about what happened this weekend and how to cope with it and about our upcoming family meeting tomorrow. Then, all of a sudden these horrid exercise urges hit me. I was pacing back and fourth in my room throwing my stress ball in the air. Wishing I could be outside running. I went to snack, left early, and did the same thing once I was out. Before I got the chance to go on long outing I wanted to clip my nails. I couldn't get myself to sit, so I stood. I was asked to sit, but I couldn't stay still, so I was moving my legs. I was made to check in with an RC before I left, and thankfully I had a good time on outing and found some clothes I liked! Then I came back and random spouts of serious anxiety started coming up. My friends were visiting me and I was excited and unsure why I was in a current state of being a ball of pure anxiousness. But our visit was great and it was so so good to catch up with them, I went into snack with a super positive attitude. That is, until I sat down and saw that it was my #1 fear food and also #1 purge food. Vanilla ice cream. My anxiety and urges and panic all swept in at once and I sat there for a solid minute and stared at it. It took me nearly 15 minutes to finish half a cup of vanilla ice cream with blueberries in it. My body was so angry, and I could not fight back. I used a behavior. I am angry at myself. But truly, I can't be because that wasn't me. It was my eating disorder. I am feeling like a failure but I recognize that I'm doing the best that I can. It's so hard, but I am trying. Just because I struggled today does not mean I won't have a success tomorrow. Overall day rating 5/10

#Recover #Recovery #Treatment #Mentalillness #Eatingdisorder