Feeling nothing is like feeling everything
I don't know how to write this because I don't know how I feel. I don't feel. I essentially am feeling nothing at all. Yesterday I made the most innocent mistake of trying to reach out for support from a friend via snapchat after I struggled with a behavior use, and I just so happened to accidentally reach out to a girl who is currently trying to recover in this facility as well on a different floor. The residential counselors found out we had been in contact and one of them came to me and became very angry, guilted me(as if I didn't feel guilty enough) and then they went through my contacts and deleted all contacts I had with anyone from here. Today in my family meeting, the head of the facility joined us and she looked upon me as if I were some miserable child curled in a ball on the ground. Maybe because that's how I was feeling. Words like "childish," and mistrust," and "lack of insight" and "screwed up" were brought up multiple times. My team sees me as a ticking time bomb. They're taking away my most anticipated pass, which I bought a dress specifically for, to go see Phantom of the Opera. And dictated every step of the way my pass with my mother on Saturday. Told me they didn't want me to have any passes unsupervised because they don't think I can do it. At this point, I have stopped being sad. I have stopped becoming angry. I feel nothing anymore. Everything horrible in my life has already happened that it feels like there's nothing more that can happen that can ruin it anymore. I think feeling numb is worse than feeling sad. Overall day. 1/10.