Run run Rudolph
It's strange how motivation shifts when going through the phases of recovery. Yesterday my motivation fluctuated so greatly throughout the day. At one point it was a 2, at one point an 8, and at one point a 6. I know that this is how things work when going through the treatment process though...and obviously theres going to be many ups and downs, so maybe right now it's best not to be jumping to conclusions. But groups were pretty good yesterday, even our DBT group which I normally really dislike a lot! So that was definitely a huge huge plus, finally the nurse and my doctor met with me, which meeting with my doctor, was a huge let down. She refuses to let me have a pillow to sit on for my reacurring pain in my butt, and now it seems as if even my mother is backing her up. Now she is telling me my pain is psychosematic and continues to tell me there is no medical reason. Even though my mother did tell here there are bruises. So I don't understand why it is so hard to just give me a dang pillow!? I am so angry and feel so unheard by her. This is the angriest and most irritated I have felt in a very, very long time. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO DO SOMETHING SO SIMPLE?!?!? I wanted to run away. Everytime that stupid door opened to the stairs I wanted to bolt out and just run. I wanted to run away from here. I was angry and impulsive and I was seriously debating just running away because I couldn't take being here the rest of the evening. I felt resentful and spiteful and I was done with all the crap of the day. But, I did not run away. I slept instead, and unfortunately, treated RC's pretty crappy. Just in a way that I acted willful and gave them sassy remarks. I wish I could run away, but would that really get me anywhere at this point? Overall rating 4/10.