Spoopy month
Well happy October 1st!!!! YAAASSSS FALLLLL. It's my favorite month. I love Halloween. One of my friends here was like "I think for Halloween I'm going to go as mentally stable." And I was like ha. relatable. So anyways. Today. Literally from the second I woke up I was having urges and thoughts. So that was unfortunate. My goal for the day was to not let them get the best of me, and I really did, but I did not use any behaviors, so that is good. We went on long outing today and went to a place called the Garment District which is essentially a huge warehouse of retro clothes and there is a giant pile of clothes on the floor that you can fill into a bag and get for $2 a pound. Yeah, amazing, right? Spent $13 and nearly got a whole new wardrobe, let me tell ya. But on another note, I'm going to put out there the toll eating disorders really have on your body. We went up the stairs while we were there. One flight of maybe 12 steps. And I was keeling over, winded, feeling lightheaded, using the railing. My body is still so malnourished and weak from everything, that even stairs are incredibly difficult. My body is SORE from being out and walking a SMALL distance yesterday. My muscles and bones can take such little activity because of how starved they have been. I needed to have Gatorade and water when I got back, and even that didn't quite make me feel better. It's wild how hard even the small things become when you're face to face with your eating disorder. Tonight was burrito night and when I walked into dinner I was already feeling like I couldn't do it. My burrito looked significantly bigger than everyone else (even the girl who is on the same meal plan as me) and I felt a bit spiteful about that. I did eat it. Painfully slowly and nearly shedding a tear. In 40 minutes. For one burrito. I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous to a normal person. (What is normal, anyways?) But that was a big deal for me, because I thought I was going to walk out of that kitchen a gazillion times. My urges were SO HIGH after that. I was so angry with myself for eating so much, I wrote on my mood monitor "I shouldn't be on this high of a meal plan. I want to leave and lose weight. I'm fat. I'm gross. I'm disgusting." I know that my nutritionist knows what she is doing in putting me on this meal plan and I know my BMI was in the toilet before I came here. But it doesn't stop me from feeling all this self hatred. I had to nap to avoid these feelings, and then when I awoke I was feeling slightly better. This wasn't the only incident like this today, earlier I changed three times because I wasn't comfortable wearing a skirt, then I wasn't comfortable wearing jeans. I'M FEELING LIKE I HAVE NO CLOTHES!!! I hate when clothes that I came in on and they were big on me actually fit me like they're supposed to now. The body dysmorphia is SO REAL guys, oh it's so real. Overall rating on this Sunday, 6/10.