From start to end
Well. Today started off really, really crappy. Waking up to the Las Vegas shooting was incredibly heartbroken. I want to know why these things are happening in our world and why it is so difficult to establish a balance of peace. I don't understand why others act in these horrible ways and act out in such violent forms that it leads to the worse mass shooting in history. It is scary and it is angering. I pray for the families of those affected, for the 400+ people injured, and for the families of the victims. These are the times where we hug our loved ones a bit tighter because something as simple as going to a concert doesn't even guarantee safety anymore. My stomach was already in knots from this, but I walk into breakfast and find something completely different from what I expected. I was suppose to have a bagel. I had cereal though....it was the same breakfast as I had yesterday. I pulled the diet tech aside and she had completely messed up the dates and meals for EVERYONE. This may not seem like a big deal, but in an eating disorder facility its a HUGE deal. Because we have a specific idea in mind, and if it doesn't happen. It can really throw us off. I was NOT expecting for that to happen. I did not have the mental capacity to deal with it at the moment. I couldn't do it. I walked out. I simply could not do it after everything the morning had already been shoving in my face. I did supplement though, so that's a plus. Which looks a lot better to my treatment team then doing absolutely nothing. I also had a family meeting today. Which went HORRENDOUSLY. At one point I couldn't deal with is anymore and so I started tuning out and sort of zoning into my own world and my mom was talking and then my case manager turns to me and goes, "what do you think about that, Belle?" And I just responded. "I'm sorry. But I really don't want to be doing a family meeting right now." They all were a bit perplexed and my mom was kind of like "oh well we just want to know how you're doing, where you're at." So, I responded. "Ohhh. You want to know where I'm at Well, let me tell ya." Then essentially started yelling at her, because all the triggering and hurtful crap, and all the pain I was going through in that moment was put out in that very second. I didn't cry. I was just angry. I guess mainly at myself because I know I've screwed my own life up. And I know I'm trying and I hate how much at a loss I am. And now I have everyone telling me they don't think I'm trying, or they don't know if I can do it, or they are frustrated with me, or they can't stand me like this, and all this crap. I'm trying...And no one sees it. I guess maybe at this point I'm not either. Today was a 3/10.