Moving towards something greater.
Today I had a 4.5 hour pass with my family and they visited with me for about a half hour before hand. My brother brought me this lovely bag of gifts for Halloween or Halloween-Christmas as he likes to say. Which had socks, lotion, a shirt, a figuring of Bob Ross (!!!!!) and all that other incredible things that you would expect I'd like in it. I went to church this morning with my room mate- which was KIND OF HILARIOUS because she doesn't really do the whole church thing. But being there with her made me feel really at ease and like I was really welcome and one within that whole situation. I prayed for a good day, for my health, for others health. And at 3:30 after multiple naps, we went on pass. We checked out a cute jewelry shop my mom and I have been wanting to go to and bought some lovely rings and my mom got some earrings, and then we went to Oktoberfest which was amazing. Absolutely insane! There was an all women's band playing some great music and there was this one who was playing a washboard and the whole time all I could think was "me." Like that is MY aesthetic!!! My room mate agreed. So did my brother. My mom tried to say it was her aesthetic too, but I was like, no it's mine. Then we got some nice iced tea and stayed in Cambridge a bit longer, we made our way to Boston for our dinner destination and had a nice recovery oriented discussion on the way over. We had time before dinner so we crossed the street over to the North End Park and looked at the lights and Boston Harbor, where my brother and I took some pictures. We got to the restaurant, got to sit on a cozy couch (cause they have couches for chairs--I know, wonderful.) And we had dinner. They unfortunately, did not have what my nutritionist and I initially had planned. I internally got a lil freaked out. But I was able to order something with the same nutritional values and it was fine. I faced a real life situation and it all worked out in the end (wasn't that tasty, but again, the experience was more important anyways) On our was back to the facility my mom held my hand and our Uber driver had the windows open and the inside of the car was warm. As I looked out over Boston on this Sunday evening and saw the city, I felt like I was living, not just surviving. For the first time in so long, everything felt like it was in the right place. I felt safe. I felt at home. I felt normal. I felt well. I felt blissful. I felt alive. I went through this pass and had very little urges, and absolutely no behavior usage at all. I am exhausted and my body will be feeling sore tomorrow! But it was so worth it. So, so worth it. I'm beginning to realize why treatment is important, and needed. Because I want everyday to be like this. This was my perfect day. When I describe my perfect day. This is how I tell people it would be like. Today doesn't get a rating. I can't put a rating on today. I will give today the title of happy. Today was genuine happiness.