Shoot dang.

Today was bad. Yesterday was bad. Don't even want to be updating this blog right now and I didn't yesterday because of how bad it's been. Everything just keeps getting worse. It keeps getting good and then it gets worse. Why is everyone around me fine and then I sit here and I'm so not? They're trying to step me down to partial/transitional next week because my insurance is running out so I would live in CEDC apartments and attend a day program all through CEDC. But I'm not ready to be out of residential yet. On Sunday my thought was "I can do this, I can figure out coping skills and ways to get through this if I have a few more weeks and the necessary time needed" I can't do this with a week. And they want me to go on a day pass this weekend and all I'm thinking is "can't wait to not eat the whole time." That's bad. That should not be my mindset a few days before partial/transitional. I completely screwed up my pass today. It was fun. But I didn't complete breakfast, I didn't eat snack, and I over exercised. Today was a fuck up. I'm so stressed. I need to set up outpatient appointments within a week or I CANT EVEN GO to transitional. And my mom is paying a HUGE amount for me to go. I can't find any providers within my insurance plan, so that's a huge weight of guilt. My anxiety is the worst it's ever been over these two days and it's driving me to do and say things I would never do. I stole something today, and I felt awful about it, but I still did it. I would never do that. I hurt my best friend. And in turn hurt myself. I feel undeserving, unloved, and disappointed in myself. I wish I were ready. I wish I was better. I wish I had someone who could help. I feel like I'm screaming into the void. Overall rating 2/10.

#Recover #Recovery #Treatment #Mentalillness #Eatingdisorder