Eaters Agreement and discharge
On Saturday the 27 of January, for the very first time I was discharged from a treatment center. Rather than the few times before where I was administratively discharged, or left AMA. On Friday, we did my graduation, and as a part of it I was required to write an eater’s agreement. This is mine.
Belle Coviello/Eaters Agreement, written on 1/26
From today forward I decide to make my own choices and not listen to what others tell me to do and/or want me to do. And if I ever feel unable to do this I will reflect on what I really want and need. Because I have learned that wants are just as important as all necessities in life. I want love. I want happiness. I want acceptance. None of these are selfish desires. Each of these are rights that I am gradually learning to open and allow myself to receive. I need help and every day I take a step closer to realizing that I also want it. I have been embarrassed, and felt threatened, and afraid to want it. But now, I am opening the door to help, I decide that I will continue pursuing the will to reach out. I will actively try to get back to treatment and continue this process. It is 100% okay to need and to want help, because I was not meant to do this alone.
I will, everyday, see something, even if it is small, as progress. If I take steps back it does not take away the fact I have previously taken steps forwards, and in the future can take steps forward, as well. It does not erase what I have already done. Progress, not perfection. I gradually open myself up to compliments from others about how proud they are of me and open myself up to constructive criticism as well as kind words.
I have decided I will continue to be honest with both myself and others---- because I have realized if I am not, it only hurts myself in the end. And I have decided to recognize happy and healthy moments. Times where the ED isn’t prevalent, and I feel whole. When I can smile and mean it. When I can concentrate for a good amount of time. When I can talk to my friends and not think about anything but the conversation. And if I struggle, realize that it is okay, but even more so, that I need to reach out. I cannot and do not have to be alone. I want help and this time, now more than ever, I feel like I may actually deserve it. Yes, I am scared and often I feel helpless, but I am trying to be honest, I will reach out, and now, I have decided that I will recognize my progression.
Because I have seen that people do care. I have seen that I am safe. I am okay and I can be. People want to help, and as a famous wizard once said “ Help will always be given to those who ask for it.” (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows)
Thank you to Monte Nido, my team, and all my sisters I met while there. You showed me how treatment should be and what recovery can look like. All my love to you.